


Yearning

by uncookedrice



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Embarrassment, Episode: s11e04 Baby, Love Confessions, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-09
Updated: 2018-12-09
Packaged: 2019-09-14 21:10:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16920441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uncookedrice/pseuds/uncookedrice
Summary: Sam asked Dean if he ever wanted more than a one night stand with somebody, honestly, he was expecting some joke, not a confession.Set during s11e04: Baby





	Yearning

They were on their way to Oregon, the trip had been great so far. Sam finally lost his virginity with a chick called Piper, took him long enough. She was really good-looking, smelled good too… It had been a long time since they’d been this relaxed, since they’ve messed around like they used to before the apocalypse, the Leviathan, the Darkness and all the death. It had been too long.

It was dark now and they had been mindlessly chatting for a while, just casual jokes and random thoughts. Then they were talking about how Sam and Piper and how awesome that was and then Dean made an offhand remark about how they were lucky they got to have good old one night stands like that. A little fun before they have to go kill another monster a hundred miles away.

“Really?” Sam asked, curious. “You don't . . . _ever _want something more?”__

____

____

Dean thought about that for a second. Did he? He had something with Cassie once but that was years ago. He also had Lisa and Ben, but they didn’t remember him anymore. However, Sam sure remembered them, “What about Lisa? Didn’t you love her? Oh, and Cassie! You were so upset when we had to leave.”

Dean’s hands tightened slightly on the steering wheel, he had told Sam not to bring them up. Two years ago he would probably have snapped and blasted Metallica to block out Sam’s voice. But it was okay, he doesn’t really like thinking about them because he knows now that he didn’t love them like that, he loved them of course, but it wasn’t the same love he feels now. It wasn’t a burning need to have someone close and know that you would die for them. He loved them like his high school girlfriend, he cared for them and wanted them safe, but he didn’t have that need for them. He’d never felt that need before, now he feels it everyday and sometimes it feels like that burn with spread and kill him. Sam doesn’t need to know all that though, so he joked, “I'm sorry, have you met us? We're batting a whopping zero in domestic life, man. Goose eggs.” It was kind of the truth, just not exactly what he wanted to say.

“You don't ever think about something? Not marriage or whatever. But . . . Something? You know, with a hunter? Somebody who understands the life?”

A hunter? Sort of. Dean could tell Sam, couldn’t he? The confession is bubbling in his throat, he’d held it in so long. What did Dean have to lose? He itching to tell someone, his secret was eating him alive. “Yeah. Yeah, there’s a hunter that comes to mind.” He blurted out. This certainly caught Sam’s attention. He twisted as far as he could so he was facing Dean, who didn’t think Sam realised he was slowly leaning forward. This kid was really interested, nerds need to know everything don’t they?

“Really? Who? Do I know her? What’s her name? When did you last see her? Does she know you like her? How long have you?” Sam was practically jumping in his seat so Dean, keeping his eyes on the road, put his hand on Sam’s face and pushed him away. Sam thought it was a girl, makes sense, not like he’s seen Dean with a guy before.

“Yeah you know them, we see him all the time, he doesn’t know.” Dean rolled his eyes while avoiding Sam’s. He wasn’t self-conscious about his sexuality, he was proud of who he was (most of the time). He didn’t know how Sam would take it though, so he gave him room to let it sink in. But Sam continued without even blinking.

“Who is he? Come on, Dean, don’t leave me hanging!” Sam whined. Dean ignored him though and started thinking out loud.

“Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t wanna get married or any of that crap. But yeah, _something more_ , would be awesome.” Dean mused. Sam slumped back in his seat in exasperation so Dean decided he would only draw this out a little more. Dean started tapping the steering wheel, it always annoyed Sam. Though this time it wasn’t long until he cracked, he was already pretty worked up.

“Dean, stop that!” He snapped, and Dean obliged.

“It’s Cas,” Dean answered his previous question. He waited for a minute, then two. Sam seemed to be in shock. Dean turned his head towards Sam, then his eyes followed. Sam’s mouth was wide open but the corners of his lips were turned up. He stared at Dean and seemed to be shaking a little. Dean sighed, “Spit it out, Sammy.”

Sam made a noise so high pitched it was almost a shriek, “Dean, this is great! You and Cas would be awesome together! When are you gonna tell him? You should tell him when we get back. He always did look at you weird, doesn’t look at anyone else like that, with gooey eyes.”

“I’m not gonna tell him.” Dean said firmly. As soon as he realised he loved Cas, yes _loved_ , he also realised he couldn’t tell him. It would be a disaster, besides, even if Cas did return his feelings it would only end in heartache. One day they’d break up because of something the other did or one of them would die or they’d just fall out of love. Sam seemed to realise what he was thinking.

“Dean, there is no way he doesn’t return your feelings. Besides, you guys would be great together, always have been, nothing would get between you two. You’d be happier if you were with him like that. How long have you kept this to yourself anyway?” Sam said quietly. He sounded so sure of everything he said Dean almost believed him, almost.

“Two years,” Dean admitted.

“Dean… that-,” Sam shook his head. “That must’ve been torture.”

Sam was right, it was. Every time Dean saw Cas he got an empty feeling in his stomach. The person he loved was right in front of him and he couldn’t actually _love_ him. When Dean had the Mark of Cain it was worse. He could feel himself slowly lose the love he had for Cas, which should have made his life easier, but it just expanded the empty feeling. Dean didn’t think he’d bother with fighting monsters and saving the world if he didn’t love Cas, he’d fall into a pit of loneliness and never find the strength climb out. He could remember so vividly the last tiny little corner of Dean’s mind that loved Cas screaming at him for hurting Cas after he had killed the last of the Styne family in the bunker. Cas was only trying to help him, and in return, he hurt him.

“Yeah, yeah, it was,” Dean said quietly, nodding. It was easier when he became a demon. He didn’t have the ability to love Cas anyway, all traces of humanity were hidden in his soul under a frozen blanket of darkness. When he became a demon he didn’t feel himself fall out of love, he couldn’t hear his soul screaming, it just disappeared. It was so much easier.

“You should tell him. You won’t have to feel like you do if you just tell him. Dean, I know he loves you. Both of you could be so much happier. And… and if I’m wrong or if something happens… It’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all.” Sam shrugged, looking down and hoping his brother would agree with him. It was often painful looking at them watching each other. He had guessed years ago that those two could be something more, but he waited for Dean to admit it first. Sam couldn’t make him realise, Dean had to do that part on his own.

Dean knew Sam was probably right, the kid usually was, but he wasn’t sure if he could tell Cas. It seemed practically impossible in his head. “Yeah, okay, I promise.” Dean figured that if he promised he would be more inclined to actually do it, he usually kept his promises.

Then it was quiet. They kept on to Oregon and Dean thought about how he would tell Cas and hoped that this hunt would be a long one.


End file.
